New low: just hacked my moms facebook
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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