the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
