Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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