someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
