just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
