Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
