the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
