so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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