Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
