Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
