Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
