Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
