Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
