I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
