Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
