I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
they need to just BURY HIM!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize