Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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