Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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