My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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