Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
