blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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