i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
