Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize