How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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