Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
