I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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