Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
