dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
