so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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