i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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