I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize