i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
