Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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