Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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