just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
