hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
