The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
