And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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