I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
