I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
pray to the hookup gods
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
