That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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