If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
