Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
