I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
