There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
