you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
