The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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