Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
