i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
