I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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