I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
