There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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