I can text with my tongue
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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