Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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