I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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