I'm gonna have a badass scar
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
