So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
