You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
