I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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