alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
