i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
