So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
